Weird Patents
Absurd, funny, and unexpectedly specific inventions that somehow made it through the USPTO.
The patent record is full of the absurd. Patent examiners are required to evaluate novelty and non-obviousness, but not good taste — which is why the USPTO has granted patents on self-venting toilet seats, motorized ice cream cones, and a method for swinging on a swing. This collection digs into the weirdest of the weird.
The Santa Claus Detector
In 1996, the USPTO granted a patent for a Christmas stocking rigged with a light that switches on when Santa arrives. The patent's stated purpose is to give children 'a visual indication' of Santa's visit — filed, apparently, in complete earnest.
Read the story →
The Patent for a Mask That Physically Stops You From Eating
In 1982, a patent was granted for an 'anti-eating face mask' — a cup-shaped cage strapped over the mouth and locked, intended to prevent the wearer from eating between meals. It is one part diet aid, one part muzzle, and entirely real.
Read the story →
The Beerbrella: A Tiny Umbrella Whose Only Job Is to Shade Your Beer
In 2003, the USPTO granted a patent for a miniature umbrella, roughly the size of a saucer, that clamps onto a beer bottle to keep the sun off it. The name in the official patent title is, in full legal seriousness, the 'Beerbrella.'
Read the story →
The Patent for a Machine That Kicks You in the Rear
In 2001, the USPTO granted a patent for a coin-operated amusement device whose entire function is to let a user pay to have a rotating boot kick them in the buttocks. It is real, it is fully illustrated, and it is exactly what it sounds like.
Read the story →
The Patent for Patting Yourself on the Back
In 1986, the USPTO granted a patent for a device consisting of a simulated human hand on a spring-loaded arm, mounted so that a person could reach up, pull it down, and administer a congratulatory pat to their own back.
Read the story →
The Patent for Keeping a Dog's Ears Out of Its Food
In 2002, a patent was granted for a set of tubes that slip over the long ears of breeds like spaniels and setters, holding them up and back so they don't drag through the food bowl. It is deeply silly and, if you own such a dog, deeply reasonable.
Read the story →
The Patent for Surviving a Fire by Breathing Through the Toilet
In 1982, an inventor received a US patent for a fresh-air breathing device intended for high-rise fires. The device was a snorkel. You inserted it past the water in the toilet bowl and breathed the fresh air drawn down the plumbing's vent stack.
Read the story →
Smucker's Patented the Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich
In 1999, the J.M. Smucker Company received a US patent on a 'Sealed Crustless Sandwich.' For seven years, the company sent cease-and-desist letters to small-town caterers, school lunch programs, and competing sandwich makers, before the patent was finally pulled apart on reexamination.
Read the story →
The Patent for Birthing a Baby by Centrifugal Force
In 1965, a New York couple named George and Charlotte Blonsky received a US patent for a machine that spun a woman in labor on a rotating turntable, using centrifugal force to deliver the child. They were entirely sincere. They had detailed engineering drawings.
Read the story →
The Patent on Pointing a Laser at a Cat
In 1995, the USPTO granted Kevin Amiss and Martin Greenstein a patent on the act of exercising a cat by getting it to chase a moving spot of light. The patent was real. The cats did not pay royalties.
Read the story →
The Comb-Over Patent
In 1977, two brothers in Orlando, Florida received a US patent for a method of combing one's hair to disguise baldness. It is among the most-cited examples of why the patent system needed reform — and a winner of the 2004 Ig Nobel Prize.
Read the story →
The Five-Year-Old Who Patented Swinging on a Swing
In 2002, the USPTO granted Steven Olson, age five, a patent for a 'method of swinging on a swing.' His patent-attorney father had been making a point. The point landed.
Read the story →
A Toilet for Automatically Exhausting Odious Air
An 1898 patent for a self-venting toilet seat that drew foul air directly into the chimney — a Victorian solution to a Victorian problem.
Read the story →